This is for my Brother and His Fiance

On Mother's Day I was a little unsure what to say to my new soon to be sister in law. My brother just lost their little girl in April to a birth defect. It was nothing they did stuff like this just happens sometime. She was five months along. I didn't know if I should buy her anything maybe a card. I knew of all days this one would hit her hard. She didn't even get the chance to know her little girl. When they came over she held Christopher the whole time. I'm not sure if it helps her or just makes it worst.I know what she is feeling. I remember the child I lost before Justin. It was like someone tore out my heart. I felt like I had no reason to live. I was a lot farther then that I was with my recent two miscarriage. She had to give birth to a dead child I could only imagine the pain she felt. They drive around at night to just get away to ease their minds so they don't think so much. It breaks my heart to see them in pain.  I know nothing will replace their little girl. I only hope both of them get the chance to have a little miracle child of their own one day.  I couldn't sleep so I wrote this poem for them.

From the first day I met you and held you in my arms.
Their was a love that had an unbreakable bond.
I will never see you smile.

I will never hear what you sound like.
I will never hear you cry.

I will never hear you speak those words that mean so much to me.
We were told you didn't have too much time left.

I only had you in my belly for five months.

I had to make a choice with your daddy.

I didn’t want you to be in pain.
Then all of the sudden you were gone.
You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
Your love cut through me like a knife.
I loved you more than the world alone.
And now I'm alone. I have this emptiness inside that can’t be filled.

Today is Mother’s Day I don’t know what to do.
I try to come off strong but I cry over you every night.

Now they tell me I may never be able to feel a life grow inside me again.
You were too young to be taken like that.

What did I do?

Was it my fault?

How come this happen to me?
Two closed eyes to rest.
God took your life to prove to me, He only takes the very best.

Soccer

Justin stays busy during the summer time. Now he is taking up soccer. Today his team won 7 to 3. It was a great game all the kids did very well. His last game Steve and I are yelling at the team telling them what to do. It was great we lost our voices his last game.  Justin was so muddy from the field but that’s okay he is a boy. I love him to death Justin is the reason I get up in the morning.  I love seeing him happy. It’s so funny I get all the questions about everything he holds nothing back from me. With his dad it’s all about sports or building something Steve never gets any questions like I do. I love that we share a close bond with each other it’s special to have that with your child. Christopher and I already had a bond since he was conceived. Steve calls just to hear Justin’s voice on the phone. He is such a great father. He likes to say that’s my boy out there. Go Jay! Practice is great the coach makes Steve go out there to help with the kids. Justin gets a kick out of it because his daddy is great. The other parents thought Steve was a professional soccer player. (lol) They didn’t believe me when they asked. I told them no he wasn’t a soccer player but a man of many trades. Justin and Steve share a different bond with each other a father and son bond.  They do everything together. 

6 months old

Wow, Christopher is already 6 months old. I can’t believe it. He is getting so big. He already has his daddy’s attitude although Steve says he gets it from me. I beg to differ but anyways I adore my little Popsicle he is so cute. I have to say I’m a little jealous that he says dada first. Justin said momma first so I guess I will give this one to Steve.

This month has been crazy taking Justin back and forth to swimming, soccer practice and games not to mention boy scouts. It has been keeping us very busy. In all of this confusion I ‘m trying to put an ending on my book make a cover and all the stuff that follows. It would help if Justin’s stuff was on different days but no that would be asking too much. I just got Justin’s spring pictures back and he is not my baby anymore he is growing up. I sat at the table Monday just bawling my eyes out. Jay thought I got a paper cut. (lol) I just hugged him then told him way I was crying he gave me a hug. He said he will always be my baby. How cute is that! Good news I just lost 5 more inches off my waistline. I can say hello to that little bikini I have for New York.  Working out 3 days at the gym and the other days at home are really paying off. I get like addicted to it.  It's great! I’m thinking about taking some classes to work towards my black belt this summer.  My sister is due in July and she is so cute with a belly. His name is brain she picked a name out already. I can't wait to meet him.