"Loving a child who is not biologically yours is no different then choosing to love your spouse. Both relationships are choices, not a biological bond."
Someone had this on cafemom I read it a few times over and over unsure how to respond to this. I think if a stepmother/step dad choose to love her/his husband/wife child like her own it shouldn't be a problem unless she tries to over step her boundaries. The boundaries I'm referring to would be wanting the child to call her mom because she wants the child to. I think if a child wants to call their step parent mom/dad it should be on the child's terms.(ONLY) Their are a lot of families that are made up of a lot of different people who have no Biological bond at all. Sometimes those relationships are the best. I have never been in a situation like this one but knew a friend who was. The step parent didn't want the child to call her mom but the child understood who was mom and who was mommy. The father however didn't see anything wrong with it sadly this is why he no longer sees his child. The Biological mom took the child and left. Who knows where they are. I still talk to this couple and not once heard either of them mention the child in ten years. I guess it is what it is. Steve and I have talked about this when the time comes if the children come looking for me from my days as an egg donor. I guess I would be their Biological mom but I wouldn't have any connection with them but that. I will not be their mother that JOB is left to whoever raised them. Who went to school plays, basketball and soccer games. I will welcome them with open arms if they want to get to know me. I guess I will have to see if that ever happens. Other boundaries that another parent would cross would be disciplining a child that is not theirs. I don't promote spanking and I believe that should be left up to the parents with a little input from the step parent who spends just as much time with the child. It should be a strong unit with parents and step parents to be on the same page. It makes the child's life better to see everyone happy.
Here are some comments left by other on cafemom.
1.That is a great way to say it!
A biological bond is automatically unconditional love.
With a spouse, or spouses family, it is work to fall in love with him/her and their family. I can tell you it has taken me about 5 out of 7 years to enjoy one sister in laws company... and that is because she matured a lot the past couple of years!
2.The BM's jealousy makes sense, since it is actually her child. It wouldn't be surprising if it would hurt a mother to see her child love another "mother." Her feelings of jealousy would be normal and expected.
But the SM's jealousy of BM is different, because it's not "her child", it's someone else's child. So when she is jealous of the BM, the rightful mother, it's like loving a married man... meaning a man you can't have because he is taken already. The SM is choosing to love that child in the mother/child way, and really, that may not be a very good decision, if the BM is still around.
If the BM is out of the picture, of course it's a different story
3.I *kind of* agree with that statement.
How does it play a role in a blended family.....
well, for one thing, it could cause problems because if you choose to love a child that way, the child might not choose to love you back that way. And then you have an unrequited love... which as we all know, doesn't end well.
Secondly, if you choose to love a child in the parent-child sense, are you able to deal with the fact that the child's biological parent is still around, and the child still loves her? (if that applies).
Often we have SMs who fall in love with their stepchilren in the mother-child way, and it causes problems because the SM is jealous of the BM, who is still involved in the child's life.
So, overall I'd say it can cause all kinds of problems in steplife. If you want to compare it to "choosin to love your spouse," I'd say maybe it compares to falling in love with a married man who wont leave his wife.
Yes, loving someone is a choice people choose who they want to love and who they don't. Either way it's an honor to love a child that is not yours. It's a shame that many children don't get the chance to love step parents because the real parents have issues they need to work out as adults. There should never be a jealously problem because it's okay for a child to love both. I believe the best thing to do if you are a step parent is to try to be the child's friend at any age. Let them know you are not their parent but a friend. You will not go against their real parent unless it is needed for safety reason. Some step parents step into the role of a parent in the absence of the real parent. I give a lot of credit to these people who take on this huge role. Sometimes it is in the best interest for the child. I wish you all luck. Tell me what you think.
I love this quote! Love is a choice not an Obligation.
As in for loving your spouse you love all of them the good the bad, past and the present the furture is what you are. Take it don't look back because the past is in the past. It can't be changed there is no time machine to change it. You let it go and don't look back. People try and hold you down for the choices you made as a woman,man,mother and father at that time you seen it as the best choice you had right or wrong it was your choice move on. Life is only what you make it so make it count.
Love is a choice not an Obligation.
Someone had this on cafemom I read it a few times over and over unsure how to respond to this. I think if a stepmother/step dad choose to love her/his husband/wife child like her own it shouldn't be a problem unless she tries to over step her boundaries. The boundaries I'm referring to would be wanting the child to call her mom because she wants the child to. I think if a child wants to call their step parent mom/dad it should be on the child's terms.(ONLY) Their are a lot of families that are made up of a lot of different people who have no Biological bond at all. Sometimes those relationships are the best. I have never been in a situation like this one but knew a friend who was. The step parent didn't want the child to call her mom but the child understood who was mom and who was mommy. The father however didn't see anything wrong with it sadly this is why he no longer sees his child. The Biological mom took the child and left. Who knows where they are. I still talk to this couple and not once heard either of them mention the child in ten years. I guess it is what it is. Steve and I have talked about this when the time comes if the children come looking for me from my days as an egg donor. I guess I would be their Biological mom but I wouldn't have any connection with them but that. I will not be their mother that JOB is left to whoever raised them. Who went to school plays, basketball and soccer games. I will welcome them with open arms if they want to get to know me. I guess I will have to see if that ever happens. Other boundaries that another parent would cross would be disciplining a child that is not theirs. I don't promote spanking and I believe that should be left up to the parents with a little input from the step parent who spends just as much time with the child. It should be a strong unit with parents and step parents to be on the same page. It makes the child's life better to see everyone happy.
Here are some comments left by other on cafemom.
1.That is a great way to say it!
A biological bond is automatically unconditional love.
With a spouse, or spouses family, it is work to fall in love with him/her and their family. I can tell you it has taken me about 5 out of 7 years to enjoy one sister in laws company... and that is because she matured a lot the past couple of years!
2.The BM's jealousy makes sense, since it is actually her child. It wouldn't be surprising if it would hurt a mother to see her child love another "mother." Her feelings of jealousy would be normal and expected.
But the SM's jealousy of BM is different, because it's not "her child", it's someone else's child. So when she is jealous of the BM, the rightful mother, it's like loving a married man... meaning a man you can't have because he is taken already. The SM is choosing to love that child in the mother/child way, and really, that may not be a very good decision, if the BM is still around.
If the BM is out of the picture, of course it's a different story
3.I *kind of* agree with that statement.
How does it play a role in a blended family.....
well, for one thing, it could cause problems because if you choose to love a child that way, the child might not choose to love you back that way. And then you have an unrequited love... which as we all know, doesn't end well.
Secondly, if you choose to love a child in the parent-child sense, are you able to deal with the fact that the child's biological parent is still around, and the child still loves her? (if that applies).
Often we have SMs who fall in love with their stepchilren in the mother-child way, and it causes problems because the SM is jealous of the BM, who is still involved in the child's life.
So, overall I'd say it can cause all kinds of problems in steplife. If you want to compare it to "choosin to love your spouse," I'd say maybe it compares to falling in love with a married man who wont leave his wife.
Yes, loving someone is a choice people choose who they want to love and who they don't. Either way it's an honor to love a child that is not yours. It's a shame that many children don't get the chance to love step parents because the real parents have issues they need to work out as adults. There should never be a jealously problem because it's okay for a child to love both. I believe the best thing to do if you are a step parent is to try to be the child's friend at any age. Let them know you are not their parent but a friend. You will not go against their real parent unless it is needed for safety reason. Some step parents step into the role of a parent in the absence of the real parent. I give a lot of credit to these people who take on this huge role. Sometimes it is in the best interest for the child. I wish you all luck. Tell me what you think.
I love this quote! Love is a choice not an Obligation.
As in for loving your spouse you love all of them the good the bad, past and the present the furture is what you are. Take it don't look back because the past is in the past. It can't be changed there is no time machine to change it. You let it go and don't look back. People try and hold you down for the choices you made as a woman,man,mother and father at that time you seen it as the best choice you had right or wrong it was your choice move on. Life is only what you make it so make it count.
Love is a choice not an Obligation.
